Humanity and junk food have always had this bizarre murder-suicide-pact thing going on between them. As per this agreement, humanity (or just the Western world, really) has vowed to annihilate every last grease-burger and deep-fried Oreo in existence, in return for giving junk food free rein to go to town on our internal organs with a baseball bat.
Sometimes the resulting junk-food-icide is quick, sometimes it’s slow, and sometimes it’s William S. Burroughs-levels of weird, which is what we’ll be talking about today. So without further ado, here are the top 10 cases of people who would still be alive today if not for that accursed abomination of nature known as “food.”
10. NATASHA HARRIS OVERDOSES ON COKE
Natasha Harris earned her tragically misleading epitaph after she died from a heart attack in 2010. The reason I say “misleading,” is because her death was actually brought on by Coca-Cola. Two gallons of the stuff to be exact, which is what Harris consumed every day during the last couple of years leading to her death.
If you’ve ever wondered what happens to a person who ingests 2 pounds of sugar and 1 gram of pure caffeine a day, it doesn’t exactly give them super speedster powers like in Futurama. What it does do is enlarge your liver with fat deposits, cause arrhythmia and, oh yeah, eventually explode your heart. Then again, so will about any other liquid if you drink 2 gallons of it per day, so take this for whatever it’s worth.
9. ADAM DEELEY LETS HIMSELF EAT (CUP)CAKES
They say that college is a time to let yourself go crazy and try new and exciting things, which is why it’s such a shame that Adam Deeley had to leave this world by choking on cupcakes. The incident occurred in 2008 when Deeley, a graphic design student from Wales, decided to join an impromptu bar competition to see how many cupcakes he could fit into his mouth, because Wales really is as dreary and boring as we’ve always suspected.
However, reality proved once more that it and television have apparently not been on speaking terms for some time now because, rather than his cheeks expanding in a humorous fashion like some cartoonhamster, Deeley choked on the mini-cakes, and suffered a fatal heart attack. And because we know you’re curious: the number of cupcakes it takes to kill a person is 5.
8. RICKY GUEST-BINNS IS NO IRON CHEF
Allan Glenny of Blackpool, UK, is a man who knows what he likes, and what he likes is cheesy fries. Sadly, his access to his favorite artery-stuffer is probably heavily limited nowadays, seeing as he’s serving a 3-year sentence for manslaughter, after killing one Ricky Guest-Binns.
How do all of these facts and names fit together, you ask? Simple: in May of 2012, Glenny killed Guest-Binns with a single punch, after starting a fight in a fast-food joint because their cook did not melt the cheese “correctly” on his order of cheesy fries.
That’s right – one punch. Also, that’s right #2 – over incorrectly melted cheese, which might explain the new health slogan coming to the UK next year: “An apple a day keeps unwanted attention in the prison shower away.”
7. SCOTT MARTINS DOES AN ANTI-ATKINS
Ever since the UK-born Scott Martins was a child, all he would eat were carb-heavy things like baked beans and toast, a diet which he kept for about 20 years. It’s very possible that this condition was caused by an undiagnosed illness, like maybe “being a kid and having way-too-forgiving parents.” In any case, what killed Scott in the end was no mystery: After beating the crap out of his liver, developing hepatitis, and thoroughly destroying his blood’s ability to clot, Martin bled out through his gums during an emergency dental procedure.
This is admittedly a very sad story, but the good news is that at least now whenever your kids refuse to eat their vegetables, you can just show them this article and really emphasize the “bleeding out through the gums” part.
6. VINCENT SMITH’S DEATH WAS SUCH A SWEET SORROW
In 2009, Vincent Smith Jr. was working in a Camden chocolate factory (which may or may not have been owned by a man named Willy or Charlie) when he fell from an 8-foot-high platform, into an open vat of hot chocolate. If this was a comic book, he would have survived and emerged from it changed, no longer the man he was before, now reborn as the villainous Choco-Man, which totally isn’t a racist joke, no matter what our Legal Department says.
In real life though, all Smith did was die from a blow to the head, which frankly would have been an awesome addition to the 2005 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie.